Just wanted to say thanks for the encouraging comments on my last post- alas, there is no baby. I am pretty sure today is CD1 because I woke up to red.
Yesterday morning I woke up to nothing, so I took the test. Of course it said "not pregnant", and I didn't even flinch. I honestly wasn't even phased because that is what the tests (even though I've only taken a few) always say. If I consider things deep down, I don't think I even expected it to be positive (infertility just kills the high expectations, doesn't it?). Maybe I am getting the box of tests pre-programmed to say "not pregnant"....is there another aisle for the ones that turn "pregnant"? Of course I hope and pray and want and beg for it to be positive, but the norm is negative, and that is what I'm used to and expecting it to be. Like I was mentioning in the last post, I cannot even fathom what I will do when (if) I get a positive test one day, because I have no idea what comes after that! I only know what comes after a negative test!
It is hard for me to put a label on what I'm feeling. I was going to say that I don't feel hopeless. I think that is pretty much true. I am on medicine that has been helping women with alot more problems than me have babies since the 70s, and I have alot of hope that God will use it in the next couple of months to bless us with our first baby. But that doesn't preclude the feelings of sadness, left-behind-ness, and disappointment, to name a few.
I thought I'd be more upset after a failed medicated cycle. But I think I am so used to this outcome, it doesn't phase me as much anymore. Sure, there is part of my spirit that is crushed, but the rest of my spirit has been over-conditioned to pick up the slack that it wastes no time in overcompensating for the loss we experience. Instead of dwelling over another month without success, yesterday evening we poured our energy into pouring concrete around the posts for a clothesline in the backyard! Instead of ooh'ing and aah'ing about which stroller we want, we exclaimed with joy that our watermelon plant has two blooms, and our roma tomatoes are thriving...and the corn is getting big!!! Instead of lamenting that we won't be due in March, I am secretly happy because I like April better. (No offense to March birthdays!!) Ha!!
Maybe cl.omid#2 will be the golden ticket for us. I know it accumulates in your system, so maybe that will help, too. I also hear that the side effects can be way worse, so God be with me!
Anyone up for another cup of coffee? I might drink coffee all day because I can!!!
8 comments:
I'm so sorry for the BFN. I was really hoping it would be. Oh the things I do once AF shows up. Kind of bittersweet. I'm so jealous of all your growings. I still haven't gotten use to all the VA clay.
I was hoping and praying you'd get a BFP...since I too know all to well what a BFN means and I don't wish that on any of us IF'ers. That is great that you are hoping the next cycle will be better...I've heard that about all these IF meds...they take a few cycles...so I guess there's still hope.
I am growing things around my house too. I planted my first tree and a small garden. So far...all is doing well. Things are really blooming around here..except me but that's my life. It is a good feeling to see my garden and tree thrive.
Yes, enjoy that coffee. I am actually down to about a cup in the morning and a cup of tea after dinner. Not bad...there's hope I can maybe kick this habit. I do know that once I get a BFP...I'll definitely cut back even more until I no longer need it. I get horrible withdrawls without caffeine..just horrible. Good luck next month...and I'll keep praying for you and your DH. Lord willing...BFP will be the buzz word on these blogs soon. :)
It is hard to imagine a BFP after getting nothing but BFNs for so long. You'll probably be sitting in the bathroom, stunned and not quite believing your eyes, when that BFP comes along.
I've definitely heard clomid works better on the second (and subsequent) rounds. Keep up the good fight!
And, I am soooo jealous of your garden. My long-anticipated corn never sprouted at all - and, I have just killed the FOURTH round of basil and the THIRD round of rosemary. Maybe it's time to stop.
I'm sorry about the BFN, but your attitude and spirit while you wait are amazing, even despite the disappointment. Next month is a new month to hope!
I'm so sorry, A! Praying for you!
Yuck...I am so so sorry. I was really hoping for your success. Thanks for checking in on me. I'm not doing so well this week and your thought really helped me not feel so alone.
I am so sorry....even when we're not hoping to omuch, AF's arrival is always difficult. I can't totally relate to the description of your emotional response!
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