Rambling

Monday, October 19, 2009

Thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes!! We are anxiously awaiting what the insurance claims guy has to say about the damages. Since my car is a 2003 with 111k miles on it (what happens when your parents live 11 hours away, and your office is 2.5 hours away...), Mr. A is wondering if it might be totalled. Which would stink, because my car is paid off, but it's kind of out of our hands.

Other than that, I'm 8dpo today. I was on new meds this cycle, so I've been trying to attribute the different feelings I'm having to the new meds instead of getting myself all hyped up. I've been practicing some positive imagery (why not be positive?), and praying for our baby(s) as if he/she/they is/are really here.

Of course 8dpo is still pretty early, but the major difference so far this time is that it has been nearly impossible to wake up since Friday. I'm usually a peppy morning person, but since Friday, when my alarm goes off, I feel like I want to sleep for another 2 hours. Even yesterday, I seriously considered waking Mr. A up to see if he'd take Banana for her walk because I didn't think I could keep my eyes open long enough. So that is the biggest difference relative to historical 2ww's. I am normally a little tired-er in the evenings during the tail end of the 2ww... but I have never experienced this morning exhaustion!!

I am having other normal-er 2ww things, too, but since they've been around before, they are meaningless to me. Ha! That's what you get when you cry wolf, symptoms!!!

As I was falling asleep last night and praying for our little ones and/or that God would simply reveal at least an eensy teensy bit of His plan for our family, I was reminded of the enormity for which I'm praying. It's not like I'm a kid who's praying that it'll snow on Christmas. If God answers "yes" to my prayer that we've been blessed with a baby this cycle, life does not go on as normal. We are talking life-changing prayer here, people!! Life. Changing. You are never going to wake up the same again. It is never just going to be you and your husband anymore. It's kind of humbling when you think of the magnitude of what you're praying for, especially when you've been praying for so long and you haven't gotten a "yes" yet. Sometimes I think that because I have gotten so used to praying for children in our family, I just rattle through the request as I do with other normal daily intentions. As much as the prayer for our family's safety is always answered (especially this weekend!), the prayer for children is not answered. Sadly enough, it kind of fosters some complacency, I guess. And although I continue to pray for both intentions, it was highlighted for my heart last night that I should renew a sense of passion while praying for our children because they are going to change. our. lives.

I think it's hard for anyone (fertile or infertile) to really grasp how children will change their lives. But for infertiles, we pray for so long to become pregnant and finally hold our happy, healthy baby(s) in our arms, and when the prayers goes unfulfilled for so long, the actual idea and/or reality of the prayer being fulfilled becomes really abstract. At least that's the way it is for me. Like sure, I would give anything to welcome our first baby(s) in July, but unless I really think about all the ways the baby(s) would change our lives, my initial thoughts are limited to just the superficial "finally, we'll have a baby!!". As if it'd be like bringing home a new lamp for the family room.

Of course our hearts are longing for all the good life changes that come with welcoming a baby and even the ones that are less desirable (lack of sleep, less time for "us"). When I pray this week that our kids will be happy and healthy and know God, I will also be praying that He'll bless our marriage and us as parents, and that we'll always try to praise Him and be faithful (even when we got 2 hours of sleep last night) because He is always faithful to us. I will pray expecting and knowing that I will see God's hand in the expansion of our family. It's kind of an exciting thing to do!! I'm sure whatever He's got up His sleeve is going to blow me away...

(ETA: I hope it doesn't seem like I am blase about praying for our kids. I definitely pray all.the.time for our kids, but sometimes I fail to realize the depth for what I'm praying. I guess it's because I'm human- hope I'm not alone?!)

11 comments:

Lisa said...

You are not alone! I think you bring up some really important points! It is important to really understand what you are praying for, because like you said, sometimes we just get caught up in praying for the same thing each day and we don't REALLY think about what we are praying for. Deep thoughts... :)

Rach said...

Lovely post. I'm 7DPO so right there with ya!

Praying for Hope said...

Nope, not alone.

callmemama said...

I agree - the longer your prayers go unanswered, the more it seems that having a baby does seem like the end goal and we forget what comes afterward.

I remember when we first started TTC, I wondered if I would be a teensy bit jealous at DH loving someone else as much as he loves me and not having his full attention. Then I realized that I'd love the baby just as much, and we'd be parents together.
That was so long ago...

Nicole said...

No I can definitely identify with what you'rs saying about prayer. Not only is it such a regular phrase (and so can become casual), it can be very painful to truly get passionate about your request. And I also agree that the idea is abstract- that was a good word choice. :)
I hope you get to have your life turned upside down next July, and that your symptoms are actual symptoms!! :)

http://aicfollowers.blogspot.com/

Melissa said...

Great post! I sometimes get so blaise when I pray and then remember...I need to put my whole self into it...not just ramblings.

Praying for you :)

Hillary said...

Definitely not alone, and you put it so well in saying that our prayers become rather abstract. Although I am "working" so hard to get pregnant now, it's more unfathomable now than it was that first month when it was "easy." But I love your reminder that this is no little prayer -- we are asking God to create life!

Praying for you in this tww craziness!

Nicole said...

Hey! I got your comment, but I can't add you without an email. Just the blogger process :) Leave it again, I'll delete it asap so no one sees it :)

~S said...

You are not alone! You expressed exactly how I feel but couldn't put into words. Beautiful post. Good luck during this 2ww.

Thankful said...

I totally have the same thoughts and tendencies to think about the here and now instead of the big picture and future aspirations. Thanks for sharing this; it is refreshing to know that others get caught up in the IF, too.

Thanks for the comment, too!

Stacey said...

I like this post and the reminder to pray not only for our future children, but for ourselves and our marriages too. Thinking of you!