Can't do it

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I poas'd this morning and BFN, but I have still not really seen any flow per se, just spotting, although it is getting darker now. By the time it reaches my liner it is light brown.

We had a fine lunch with Mr. A's parents for Mother's Day, and it was all fine and good until we were home again and I was walking Banana...I was just completely overcome by incredible frustration over the spotting and the continued feeling of being utterly lost on this road. When I got home, I was visibly frustrated and Mr. A was asking what was wrong (he is awesome), and I just said (through a couple-or-so tears) "I just want my (bleepity bleepity bleep) period to start! I can't take this spotting anymore! I just want to start and get on with the next cycle!" To which he optimistically (wow, I love this guy) noted that I had never wanted my period to start, which was another different thing about this cycle, so maybe that in itself was a good sign. Sigh.

I think I'll probably start sometime in the next 24 hours. I don't know how much longer I can just willy nilly keep wandering around trying to figure out what God would have us do without any affirmation/rejection from Him of any of whatever we're doing.


the misfit said...

First of all, I would have taken Mr. A (or Mr. misfit, in this case)'s head off for having the audacity to be optimistic when I was so clearly and so justifiably upset. So y'all are clearly already on a shorter road to sanctity than I am.

As to the waiting and the lack of direction - it's plain not fair. It's no help to be open to God's plan if He's not willing to give you even a hint of the very next step. I pray that He'll give you some guidance soon!

Hillary said...

I hope AF arrives soon, too -- I know that is utter torture. I said a prayer that God would guide your paths. He is there, he loves you, and he promises he will guide you. I don't know how it all works and how it looks, but I know that is what the Bible tells us and I pray you and I can believe it and see it. ((hugs))

Stacey said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated right now. It's hard to feel completely in the dark about our own bodies sometimes! I hope this will be resolved soon.

Praying for Hope said...

I hate being in the dark. You try to have faith. You try to be open and listen, but you don't hear anything. Then you wonder if you're not listening closely enough or if He hasn't given you an answer yet. I'm praying that he gives you something soon and the it's too thoroughly obvious to miss.