Picking Up

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Thanks for all your comments about my last post. Misfit, you are cracking me up! I guess his optimism was a little out of place objectively, but he was so sweetly trying to cheer me up that it just melted my heart. (Not to mention, he has some plans for our adoption savings if (when, he says) God blesses us with a biological baby. So he was also making jokes about that! He is such an awesome blessing to my life- I could not do this without him!)

A few things crossed my mind as I pondered the last couple of days. Every month I try to convince myself to not be upset on CD1, and every month I fail. Darn humanity!

I keep begging God to show me some direction or give me some feedback. This is not the first time, though, that I have reminded myself that God is probably up there banging His head on the kitchen table because He has probably given me some portion of that already, and I have been too dense and/or human and/or oblivious to realize it. After all, He is God and I'm a human. He is perfect, and I am flawed. Sometimes, it makes me feel better to think of the situation in this way because it reminds me that He has never left or taken a vacation, with a sticky note to remind Him to "get back with me" when he returns in 2 weeks. He is always with me and, whether I notice or not, He is continually providing me with examples of His love for me.

But then again, thinking about it that way makes me dumbfounded at myself that I am completely not getting His messages. Is my voicemail box full? Did His email bounce? Am I so helpless that I need a sign to point me to the sign? Ha! Yes, I think I am that helpless!

But then I think that (even though He is always here), perhaps He hasn't been dropping any clues about our path to parenthood. Maybe He is planning some huge surprise bash for me, and He can't give me any clues, not even a tiny one, because He knows after a tiny clue I will go sleuthing around and figure out His surprise party before He can get a chance to knock my socks off. Ah, there it is, just CD3 and my optimism has come lurking back again!

Perhaps at this point in my life journey what I want (hints, tips, clues, bricks-to-the-head) is not what I need. Or at least maybe God knows it is not what I need- I am sure it is what I need! Ha! It would be nice to get going on some sort of path, but if God wants me to sit in the middle of the game board and keep spinning around like a top seeing all the options fly by me in a blur, than I really have no choice, do I? I mean I guess I do have a choice, but if my ultimate choice is to follow the path that God has for building our family, I better sit tight and make sure I'm not choosing a path because everyone else is choosing it or taking that direction. (Which in itself is also hard- there have been alot of good adoption posts lately, but I am just not 100% sure that God would have us go that route full-on yet...)

My co-volunteer told me she has been praying for me all last week, and she said she prayed especially for me on Sunday. I almost lost it! She is such a wonderful woman of Christ. She said in their small group prayers, they had a girl battling IF and they prayed and prayed for her, and her son turned one this past January. I thanked her so much for praying for us; she and her husband were married 6 years before they had children, so her and I talked about the many blessings that a marriage can glean in the time before children. All in all, it was a very uplifting discussion. I am so thankful for her!

Today I praise God that my mood and outlook are picking up after Sunday night, and I pray that I will begin to somehow start picking up on what God has in store for us!!


Praying for Hope said...

I'm still praying that you get an unmistakably obvious sign. I like obvious signs that no one can miss or misinterpret.

the misfit said...

I'm in the brick-to-the-head camp. I've left off believing that I will receive a sign (I took a one-to-two year hiatus from treatment for God to get me pregnant on His time, and I was patient all that while - no 2ww worries or anything) and I don't believe he intends to give me one. Instead, I've decided to follow the advice of my doctors, with due guidance from what's financially prudent and what my husband and I are actually interested in doing. I think I would respond to a brick to the head, though.

Becky said...

The waiting and trusting is just so hard. I think we all wish we could skip to the end and know how our IF will be resolved. I know I do. I believe God's guides us along the way, but I don't believe He tells us how things will turn out or when it will happen. For me, the not knowing can be one of the most frustrating things about all this. Even when we follow the path we believe God has led us to, the outcome can be very different from what we might expect. This was definitely the case with my first IVF cycle. We felt that God made it clear that was the path we were supposed to take and yet it ended in m/c.

I hold onto to Eph 3::20 - He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. I have friends online and IRL that have been surprised by how God has resolved their IF and it was far better than anything they could have planned for themselves. Praying God does immeasurably more for you!

Grace in my Heart said...

Your optimism is inspiring! I wish, pray, hope, and plead for signs all the time. They come every once, but an email or voice message from God telling me what is going to happen would be really nice. Waiting and having patience is not my strong point. I am a planner and an organizer and I want everything mapped out. Have fun at your BIL graduation!! I love graduations!! Such a happy time :)

Hillary said...

Glad you are feeling encouraged today! I know what you mean...if I God told me I would have a child, I think I could wait. If I could told me I wouldn't, I would mourn and move on. Both would be very difficult, but I would KNOW and I wouldn't have to WAIT without knowing. I hear you.