The other thing that came to mind the last few days of last cycle was how silly my frustration was, when it comes to the big picture. We have been trying for 2.5 years, and I had steam coming out my ears that I couldn't possibly survive one more day of spotting/wondering. Hah. Crazy, isn't it?
It is really easy to lose perspective and let my sense of reality become warped. If I am really being serious with myself, even one cycle does not make that much difference at this point in the game. And if I am really really serious, this 2.5 year stretch of my life is fairly inconsequential to the concept of my entire life and, even more, all of eternity. So I should have really saved myself all the fuss and hand-wringing of the last 4 days of last cycle.
However.
Turning the tables on myself, it only takes one cycle to create a life. Just one cycle to create a precious soul who, even before he's created, has been blessed with some purpose from God. Just one cycle to welcome into the world a little one who will grow up and have some sort of effect on the big picture.
No wonder each month is so important to us. No wonder we grieve the loss over and over again! No wonder it is easy for us to wager so much hope every time.
Lord grant us Your wisdom and perspective as we walk this road with You!
4 comments:
I can not imagine how hard this is for you month after month. I never had to go through the temperature charting, timed sex, etc because once we got a diagnosis we were only given the option of IVF/ICSI. In that way we were fortunate. I pray the Lord will give you comfort and peace each month.
You know, that's a really good point. I generally think it's because I have no perspective, but in some ways, the being wrapped up is because what could happen (or not) is so momentous. (And sometimes because an individual month is high-stakes - insurance running out for meds or some such.) I'll admit that even though I've returned from my psychologically-necessary charting hiatus, I never expect to be pregnant. So, I don't worry...now, once I get on meds, we'll see.
So true! I love that and it makes sense why each month DOES feel so important. And how amazing that it can just happen in one month...just like that by the hand of God....after all this time.
Anytime I step back and look at the whole picture, it helps me feel better. I think sometimes I get caught up in the details and get frustrated in our wait...thank goodness God gives us the perspective to see His plan every now and then.
Many prayers for you so that your month will come soon.
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