Trying to be positive (updated w/ result)

So I go for 7dpo progesterone bloodwork this morning, and I'm hoping it will be a conclusive number, one way or another (as far as whether the medication has allowed a strong ovulation, etc.). I definitely think I felt a strong ovulation, that is for sure!!

I had a headache last night, which is normal for the latter part of the 2ww for me (albeit a tiny bit early since I was only 6dpo yesterday), so I was definitely fighting disappointment that this cycle is a bust. But then I tried to remind myself of all the women (and all I've read that concurs) who get their normal 2ww things but are pregnant after all! And then I further reminded myself that K and I are only thinking positive thoughts with regards to the outcome of our first medicated cycles!! I was also on the cranky side after I got home from volunteering (not because of volunteering, though) and feeling pretty exhausted after cleaning up from dinner. At least me and Mr. A splashed around in the pool before dinner, and I was able to unwind in the hammock after dinner and finally finish my book!

I'll do my best to update with my progesterone results when I get them!

**Progesterone level was 16.4! They said that is a very good number (for whatever that is worth), so if I'm not pregnant this cycle, I'll repeat the same cl.omid dosage next month. Come onnnnn baby- let's not need another cycle!**

Restless Sleeps = Babble

I haven't really slept that well for the past two nights or so. I'm not sure if it's an effect from cl.omid or not. I have these crazy unsettling dreams, and then (especially this morning) I wake up feeling unrested. Blast!

Saturday morning the first thing that popped into my head when I woke up was "this is the first day of the rest of your life". Huh? Given my weakness in reading into thoughts/circumstances, I don't usually let my brain run around thinking such provocative things.

This morning, I totally forgot- like, it didn't even cross my mind- to put the coffee on before I left to take Banana for her/our walk. Mr. A calls my cell when her and I are almost home- "Is the coffeemaker broken or something?" HA! OOPS. I don't know what I was thinking- apparently I wasn't- I never forget to make the coffee before I leave for the walk!

We spent the whole weekend doing outdoor/gardening work. My shoulders are a little pink! The weeds in my back flower bed are just out-of-this-world. On my walks around the neighborhood, I never see such rampant weeds as are back there. Why do I never see other people battling such mutants?! Do they weed by moonlight so as to put on a mask that their flowerbeds are so well-behaved that they don't invite weeds? Aah! Of course about 3 hours of my afternoon on Saturday involved floating around in our pool with my book, but I want to emphasize how much weeding I did. Haha. Here is a photo of some carrots from our garden:

Isn't that cool! I have thought alot about how amazing it is that these different vegetables grow into relatively big things from such tiny seeds. It is really incredible- the carrot seeds especially are SO tiny. We also took advantage of the 50% off sale on actual young plants, and added some more tomatoes, some hot peppers, some green peppers, some cantelopes, and some watermelons to our garden! Hopefully it's not too late....we are loving the fresh veggies for sure!!! Maybe eating healthier will cooperate with cl.omid.....

My friend T and her husband's meeting with Be.thany on Friday went awesome! They were told the wait for an infant is 2-3 years. Wow. So needless to say, they've felt called to start the process now instead of waiting to start in January. I am praying so hard that their wait is drastically less than projected! They are feeling peaceful about the process, no matter how long the wait, though, because they know the child and birthmother whom God has set for them will be revealed in His perfect time. God is so good!

I'm 6dpo, and I don't really feel pregnant. Hilarious of me to note, I know, because most little ones haven't even implanted by now, but I was hoping for some early "hello" from down there! I have noticed that the last two nights I'm falling asleep in my recliner by like 9pm, but I'm usually more tired in the 2ww anyway, and I know that it's also a cl.omid thing. Tomorrow morning I go for my 7dpo progesterone check, and I'm hoping for good results (and a healthy baby in March). Otherwise (if no baby), I'm hoping for less-than-stellar results so they will adjust the medication accordingly so maybe we have a better shot. That sounds a little weird to think, but let's be honest here. If I need more clo.mid, I'd like more clo.mid!

I think I've babbled enough for one day! I'll leave you with pictures of the calzones we made for dinner on Friday night!!

Love it

Sometimes I am just so thankful for my life. Even my life right now, with no baby in the cradle. (Hopefully in March, haha!) But back to being thankful-

Mr. A and I each had tough days at work, and after walking Banana, we spent some great time relaxing in the pool. It was so nice just to swim and float around and not worry about time and talk about what we'd do if we had unlimited cash (e.g., buy a sailboat, put up a fence around all around our yard, add french doors to my office, replace the sliding doors in our rental property, start a trust fund for our kids). All of these things are just dreams, and it was so nice just to dream with my cherished hubby. Incredibly, nothing sorrowful relating to our lack of kids even entered our heads- it was all positive things that we can do with our kids- 100% assuming they will be here at some point!

I had thawed ground beef to make burgers for dinner, and I was racking my brain to figure out a starchy side without heating up the oven for french friends/potatoes. In a flash of genius, the solution came to us- potato salad! I honestly thought to myself- gosh, if we already had kids, I doubt we would be discussing what I can spontaneously make for a dinner side! I was basking in "just us"...I think Mr. A was, too. I hadn't ever made potato salad before, and honestly it's not usually one of my favorite things, but I followed a simple recipe and added some scallions and oregano from our garden, and I think it turned out delicious!

I had a minor freakout about our timing this afternoon- we didn't get a chance to "get together" yesterday, and when I was thinking about the cramping I had last night, I was suddenly very worried today that I didn't ovulate until yesterday, meaning our last baby making was 2 days prior, on Monday. EEK! But then I emailed K, and she luckily talked me down from my craze. I am 98% sure I ovulated Monday night, so I think it was just a little micromanaging on my part. Me? Micromanaging? Never! Haha! I am just so thankful that God has brought this medicine into my life, and I don't want to mess things up! Of course it is all in God's control anyway- if He wanted one little tadpole to stick around from Monday, you can bet that tadpole would be there!

I think I'm still handling clo.mid pretty well, so I am glad about that! Now for that BFP in 2 weeks...boy, would I love that!

blahhhh

I am feeling tired and blah tonight. I had to drive up to my office today- the round trip takes about 6 hours total, including office time- so that is always an energy sink. I did manage to make pizza (homemade crust, etc.) for dinner and float around in the pool for a while after I got the dishes all cleaned up. Mr. A has to do some software update for his company at midnight tonight and prior to that he's at a friend's house helping with their chicken coop (ha! yes, we live in the country!), so it's me and Banana being the epitome of lazy!

I am having some crazy gas or cramps or something, so now I'm mildly worried that something is wrong, but maybe it's nothing (or something- ha). Why would I be having cramps on 1dpo?! I am all of a sudden afraid of an ectopic...Lord protect us!

I am kind of behind on comments on others' blogs, but I promise I'm reading and praying where necessary! It has taken a few days to get back to normal after returning from the RV trip- the last of three trips in the last 8 weeks- we are so glad to be home for the rest of the summer! I blame my lack of commenting on discombobulation from travelling, how's that?

If you could pray for my friend T: she and her husband are meeting with Bet.hany on Friday to get info on adoption. They had an IVF miscarriage last fall and have decided not to pursue any further treatments but to move on joyfully to adoption!! She has been praying for us, that God will use the meds to create our baby blessing this cycle, and I have been praying hard that God would really speak to them through this meeting...they are longing to be parents so much, just like the rest of us!!

I'm trying to pray knowing that we serve a big God who is present in our lives each day and knowing that I will see His hand in the creation of our family. It looks like He has used cl.omid to bless Hope (praying for you, Hope!), so I'm hoping that maybe I should be encouraged at His creation! Please Lord, put new life in me, too!

Hoping it's a Good Thing

So, since I've never had ovulation spotting before, I have been goo.gling it up this morning, and based on the obviously-scientific data that I've gleaned from various message board questions and medical information sites, I'm just going to assume that means I am super fertile and that everything is going to be perfect with this cycle, including the clear BFP that I get in 2 weeks. Sounds good, right?

Excellent!

Yesterday afternoon and last night, as I mentioned, I was having some serious soreness in the ovary area, and I think I was also bloated a little bit. And I think I had a hot flash, but I'm not sure if I was just hot or what that was. (I am pretty low-maintenance when it comes to making a big deal about symptoms, so sometimes I wonder if I'm having symptoms but just not giving them much attention..) I am pretty sure I ovulated last night, and I'm pretty much all back to normal this morning! I am practicing positive imagery as far as fertilization goes- Mr. A's warriors standing ready as the eggies come waltzing along... I have been thinking that it seems a little long from the fertilized egg to take 7 days to implant. Honestly, how does it not just fall out?! That is a long time for something so small to go such a short distance. I think if I were a fertilized egg, I'd want to set up shop as soon as I got to the uterus (I hope our fertilized eggies don't set up shop too early in the tubes!) and not wait around to implant for 7 days! Hopefully our little ones are overachievers!!

My friend K who is also on her first round of cl.omid just finished her last pill, and she is excitedly hoping that I'll lead the way as far as being a cl.omid success story! I sure hope so, too. We talked yesterday afternoon, and it has been great to be in this together, since both of us are "in this" anyway! We think it is very neat how God has orchestrated our entire lives to this month, where we can support each other through these uncharted waters.

Last night before bed, I felt compelled to read the first chapter of one of my favorite books The Prayer that Changes Everything last night- Praising God as our Creator. (It is an awesome book if anyone has not read it before.) Everything He creates is good, and even though we think some situations or even some people are mistakes, He has a plan and a purpose for them all to work together for GOOD. He never says "oops" or "maybe I shouldn't have done that" or "looks like I messed up". I pray that He's creating a new little life(s) in me these days and that I'll always use my situations (good, bad, difficult, joyful) to glorify Him and His plan for each of our lives. I praise Him for creating the people that I love already, and I ask for the grace to accept them all as they are, despite all of our individual shortcomings. As I was reading last night, I was particularly struck by the desire to ask for the wisdom to pray for those people in the world who, because of varying dire circumstances, appear to not have an impact on the world. Even the seemingly most-unimportant person on the planet was created by our God to have a unique and special purpose in God's eyes.

God, I hope You are creating at least one good little life in me right now, but even if You aren't, give me the peace that You are creating situations in my life that You will use for good later. Be close to those who don't think You have a purpose just for them and those who can't see what You would have them do- show them Your face today!

Holy Ovulation Pain

WOW. If this is what signals ovulation, I don't think I've ever ovulated before! Not to mention I even had a little bit of spotting this afternoon, too. Never had that before! And to think I was worried that I missed my peak over the weekend while cruisin' in the RV! Speaking of which...

The trip was a great overall success! There was only 1 period of frustration due to a reservation miscommunication, and I think other than that, everyone had a really nice time! It is kind of crazy that we actually carried out that plan- I think we were all kind of in disbelief that it worked out with almost no kinks! My biggest fear- that we would have to go 40mph all the way to the wedding was not a concern- it could go 65mph pretty easily! The wedding was very nice, and it's always fun to get together with my dad's family. We stopped by a brewery up there and had a great time tasting their fare and taking a tour of their bottling/brewing facility.

As for ttc'ing on the Love Bus, as I teasingly termed the RV to one of my sisters, we timed it so that we only needed some, um, privacy one of the days we were all together (amazingly the every-other-day baby making fit into our schedule really easily!), and luckily it was no problem to be alone for a while that day! Plus, I didn't even get my peak reading until today, so the RV lovin' might not even be the money shot. Although if we get pregnant this cycle, that would be a cool story...haha!

We are glad to be home for good now- we don't have any travel scheduled until Thanksgiving. Banana was such an awesome trooper being boarded so much in the last 8 weeks, and we are so thankful for her. I am also just thankful in general for my sisters and the guys they've picked. I don't think many other sets of three sisters do things together like we do, and I think that would be really unfortunate to not get along with them so great. I hope we'll always be close, if not geographically, then by other communication means! I love them so much!

Bon Voyage!

Real quick post amidst a flurry of packing chaos! I'll try to take some good photos I can post when I get home- I'm sure I'll have alot of stories to tell about the trip up and back!! Hopefully we have a great time!!

Nothing new

I wrote up a whole venting post last night, but in the interest of giving the situation one more day to resolve itself, I'll hold off on letting my snippity side come out....

But other than the vent, I don't have much interesting to say! I keep expecting to have some emotional catastrophe, but so far I feel pretty normal. True to IF form, I think I'll probably end up wishing for some side effects of cl.omid if it means it's working, just like I wish for morning sickness! Hopefully cl.omid is still working incognito!! I already got a high reading on my monitor today (it's cd9), but I read somewhere that the medication can throw off the monitor readings, so we're just planning on covering our bases as if cd14 is the big day (my doctor said you usually ovulate 7 days after the last cl.omid? is that as variable/bunch of crock as saying most people in general ovulate on cd14?).

I have been praying for a long time for faith in God's plan for our family and for wisdom to seek with a patient heart the path He would have us take. I could not see any beckoning path 2 months ago, but now I feel like my steps are sure, at least at this point in the journey. It might not end up like I think it will (I think God likes surprise endings), but that's for Him to know and for me to find out! But, since in addition to wanting us to seek His will and His company, God tells us to pray specifically for what we want, I hereby pray for Him to bless us with conception using cl.omid this cycle, for a happy and healthy pregnancy, and for our first child(ren) to be born in March!

That settles it, I think!

Survived!

Well, all my cl.omid pills are gone! I have felt really good the last 3 days (last night was my last cl.omid)...the only side effect so far was a slight headache the first couple of days I took the med. I'm not sure if I can claim that I didn't have many side effects from it, because I imagine (?) that most of the side effects happen after the medication is circulating around, and also it's only my first cycle of it. So, the jury is still out, but so far so good! I have now switched my pill-taking to muc.inex in hopes to fend off a dry-up. So far so good on that topic, too, although it's just cd8. Mr. A and I are really excited!!

I also survived our friends' visit, and I have to honestly say that the only time I felt a little jolt of sadness was at a winery yesterday afternoon when the wine-ista (what are they called?) was going on and on about how cute their daughter is (she really is cute, so it was warranted)!! I was so proud of myself. They have really adjusted well to parenthood it seems like, and their daughter is a very happy, easy baby. They know that we've been trying, and when we were talking about it, they were so supportive and prayerful for us! I sure hope we can call them with good news soon. Hey, maybe I got some actual babydust this cycle! Haha! Banana was great with the baby (trial run for March 2010...), and Mr. A and I had fun holding the baby while they washed bottles, loaded the car, etc.

I kept thinking to myself how crazy it was that I was not crying in our bedroom the whole time, or even one time. I think God really protected my heart and allowed/called me to be more focused on rejoicing in this reunion with these good friends (they moved away 2.5 years ago) rather than comparing our family to theirs. Our family is just the right size that God would have it be right now, and so is theirs. Hopefully God has some family-expanding in mind for us very soon, but if not, we nevertheless really enjoyed and were encouraged by our friends' visit.

One funny thing that happened was that I guess the baby woke up screaming at 3am, and yesterday morning at breakfast, our friends were so apologetic. Mr. A and I didn't hear a thing, of course. What if neither of us hears our baby?! Ha!

And the final thing I survived was crushing my finger between the ax handle and a paving stone while doing battle with the biggest weed ever created (seriously God, what is this weed's purpose?!). I was using the ax because, I am not kidding you, the roots were as big as my forearm, and the root ball was the size of a small cantelope. I prepared to pry it out of the ground with a mighty swing, and as I swung the ax down, my spatial relationship skills went out to lunch, and the paver below decided to take a chunk out of my index finger. OW. Good thing I was wearing gloves, but it is certainly a gash/chunk, and it is very bruised. I called Mr. A holding back tears and said I had hurt my finger while I was using the ax (of course he is thinking my fingertip is laying on the ground)... but he determined it isn't broken, so he then started teasing me that he had sustained much worse without making "such a scene". That is the difference between boys and girls, I guess! He was only kidding of course- he was very attentive!!

Well I better get to work- short week with our RV trip starting on Thursday!!

TGIF!

It is a beautiful morning here!

Today will be a busy day, but I think I am up to the challenge. Most tasks are in preparation for our friends who are visiting with their 8-month old daughter tomorrow through Sunday. I usually mop the floors on Monday, but I waited until today so they will be just-cleaned in case the baby goes crawling around. Hey wait a minute, do 8-month old's crawl?

2 pills down, 3 to go! Still so far, so good. I have had a tiny tiny headache off and on, but nothing that I even remotely needed ad.vil, etc. for. For anyone who has taken mu.cinex, do I take 2 pills twice a day, or 1 pill twice a day? I keep forgetting to start taking that stuff! I am still feeling very positive about this treatment, and I'm going to hold on to that feeling as long as possible!

Even though I have great hopes for how God is going to use cl.omid, the other day, I was thinking about how my "future events" perspective at this point in time is different from when we first started trying. In the past, whenever a future event is mentioned, the first thing that would pop into my mind is "what if I'm pregnant by then?". For example, my aunt and uncle need me to play mom for their younger kids while they attend their first parents' weekend at my older cousin's college in the fall. I immediately accepted without really any neuron worrying about what it'd be like to play mom while pregnant. The possibility of us expecting our first baby is kind of an afterthought now. It definitely is a thought that comes running to be heard, but it doesn't win the race anymore. I was tempted to be bummed about this, but I think it is sort of a healthy coping mechanism, and also I think it's a signal that I've let go of the obsession a little bit- that I've determined to live my life to the fullest no matter what. I don't need to worry about whether we'll bring our 2-month old baby to the beach with us next summer- if he (we've always wanted a boy first) is with us, that will be awesome, and if he isn't just yet, I imagine we will still be praying for him in between catching some waves. It makes me feel calm that my first reaction to the future is not frantic ancitipation, but a happy expectation instead!

My Matrix/First Clomid Musings

Misfit posted about making one of these recently so I thought I'd give it a try! Here is me in 16 squares. I think it came out pretty accurate!





In other news, I took my first cl.omid pill last night, and so far so good!!! I can't imagine that people wake up the next morning feeling different, but I thought I'd just put that out there. Looking back on the journey this far, I am so glad that someone found something amiss with my test results. Mr. A and I were talking last night about how the hope for this cycle has the potential to be out of this world, but we are going to try our best to not let it run wild. God, be our light!!!

It also struck me this morning on my walk with Banana, that I am now one of them who is on fertility drugs. I think because I haven't ever had to take any medicine on a regular basis, I sort of view "those people" as in their own category or something. It's not a bad category or anything, just something I had always viewed with a detached interest. If someone were to ask me if I am on fertility drugs, I think my first gut response would be, "no, I'm just on cl.omid!". Um, hello. So in some ways, I think I'm experiencing a small paradigm shift in my awareness of the fertility medication world. Up until now, when I heard about people taking fertility drugs, I always thought of the people taking them as kind of unfortunate celebrities. Like, it is totally sad that they need fertility drugs, but how great would it be to have problems that could be fixed with medication- those people have it so glamorous and easy! Now, of course, I know that there is nothing really glamorous or even sad, really! While I am excited that this medication (along with good ol' Heavenly Father) could help us bring our first baby into the world, I don't really want people to look at me with raised eyebrows if they find out I'm taking clo.mid. That being said, it's an inclination of mine to not mention the medication. But that being said, how is society going to deal with the "ohhhh" response to "yes, I'm taking fertility drugs" if we don't get the word out that we're just regular people who have a known ailment who're taking medication to try to fix the ailment! So I hereby promise to do my part in desensitizing Am.erica to cl.omid by unflinchingly admitting its involvement in my life when asked.

That is probably enough ramblings. I should probably get to work while I still feel normal in case cl.omid makes me crazy next week! I was chuckling to myself yesterday about how probably un-wise it is to go barelling up to Vermont with my hubby, my sisters, and their other halves in an RV on my first cycle of clo.mid. Ha!

Today is the day!

#1 CL.OMID PILL TONIGHT!!! Should I take it after dinner? With dinner? When I go to sleep?

I got a box of mucinex yesterday because the nurse returned my call (they are great about communicating in a timely fashion!!) to say that the RE doesn't usually prescribe antibiotics unless the patient has cer.vititis? She also said that unless a patient has issues with CM normally, they don't usually see a dry-up until the patient is on 100-150mg. I'm okay with trying the mucinex first. Although I might get a cute little bottle if I had another prescription... hehe.

In my heart of hearts, I am just hoping and praying that this med is the boost over the top that we need to conceive this time, that this is what God will use to help us creat our first child. I am trying my best to not assume that it will work on the first try- of course for every girl who only needs one cl.omid cycle, there is another who tried it for 6 cycles to no avail. I trust that God knows what He's doing! I know that this step we've taken is just one more closer to meeting our little one, however the steps are arranged or related to this medicated cycle.

Also deep down, I honestly feel like we are getting close (which may or may not be telling- I think I've been saying that for 6 months!) to expecting our first child. For most of this year, I've felt lost and aimless, and since the RE appointment when I found out about the low progesterone, I have really felt pulled to trying to remedy that. As I think about it, my emotional brain is making the assumption that God is leading us to this path because it has a happy ending (baby in March 2010!), which my logical brain is staunchly rejecting as a safe assumption. (Not to mention, God certainly has some happy ending to our quest for a family, even if it does not include me in labor in 9 months!) But, I'm going to run with the positive for now. Why not?!

This was the daily verse on the local Christian music station for yesterday- I'm allowing it to bolster my faith in God's plan for our family as I start this medication!! Allow it to bolster you, in your circumstances today, too!

"He will not let your foot slip-- He who watches over you will not slumber" Ps 121:3

And off we go!

CD1 here! Let's enter bizarro world- I am so excited to start this new cycle!! Hip, hip, hooray for no tears today!! (I didn't mean to make that rhyme...ha!)

I am so thankful for the last 2 weeks that gave my soul a respite from the so-hopeful cycles and persistent, caustic waiting. I know I've said that before, but it was so refreshing. I almost feel like I'm beginning anew on the ttc front! Thank you God for your mercy!! I know it will be hard not to let my hopes soar again this time around, especially with the medication, but I will try to do all things based on hope in the revelation of God's plan for our family, not just that God would bless us with our first little one. (Okay, maybe both- that's allowed, right?) In some ways, I think the RE appointment was somewhat of a revelation (maybe act one) about God's plan, but we will have to stick around for the subsequent acts and not cut out at intermission!!

My friend K and I were swapping cl.omid recommendations today. She had a hard week last week with 3 pregnancy announcements within 24 hours, so if you have an extra prayer-second, please keep her in mind. I'll be about a week or two ahead of her starting the meds, so she is looking forward to seeing how they affect me. I just told her that I'm praying we're in it together for the cl.omid cycles and our first pregnancies! Lord, have mercy!!

I was thinking today that it is kind of coincidental that as a result of the less-than-lovely family vacation last week, Mr. A and I are planning our first nuclear family (him, me, Banana, baby?) for next summer right now, at the beginning of this cl.omid cycle. We are so much looking forward to having it just be us next year- how blessed would it be if it was not only our first just-us vacation, but our baby's, too? I have been reminded many times in the last week how simply breathtaking it is to be married to Mr. A. The intensity of how thankful I am for him and his leadership of me/our family is almost too much for words. God has sustained and graced our marriage so amazlingly, and He has allowed us so much happiness even during these tough years of ttc. I can't wait to see Mr. A hold our first child- I think I will just be overcome!

How Things Are

Well we arrived safely home from (I hate to say it) the worst vacation ever. It is very sad to say, but after some less-than-adult (think: 2-year old temper tantrum meets adolescent immaturity silent treatment) behavior by Mr. A's dad, we are not planning on going on vacation with them next year- instead, we are hoping to find a pet-friendly beach house next summer for us and Banana and our baby. (You know, because cl.omid is going to work this month!!!!) We're pretty bummed at how the week ended, but we are thankful that we ourselves had a nice week away from work, etc.

I was supposed to start yesterday, but I've just started spotting, so I think today will be CD1. We'll only have to kick my sisters out of the RV once I think. HA! Hahahahaha. I think it is the first time since 2007 that the arrival of CD1 has not caused me disappointment! To be honest, when I didn't start yesterday, I was actually concerned- I caught myself thinking, I hope a baby didn't implant because I don't think he'd have enough progesterone?! I'm telling you, IF makes your frame of reference so skewed sometimes!

I am really excited and hopeful that God will use Cl.omid to bless us with our first baby. I had a dream while we were away that we had a son, and he was the most perfect little boy we'd ever seen. We were so proud of him! I am going to call the RE tomorrow and request some amoxicilin or ask him if he recommends muci.nex or something. How crazy and awesome would it be to welcome our little one in March?! Come on, baby!

Symptoms in Advance

I think I am already feeling the effects of Cl.omid! Is it seeping out of the blister packs and becoming airborne?!?! Last night Mr. A's dad told us we couldn't leave on Friday because he doesn't think their Pathf.inder will make it home if his brothers have to ride with them. That means Banana will have to spend one more night boarded, which just breaks my heart. I had been so excited to get her on Friday night. So, as if it was a life-or-death situation, I calmly walked into our room and collapsed into tears. Really, I thought to myself? It's not like we board her in an awful place! It is a beautiful family-owned farm and they have great facilities. I miss her, though...

Not to mention, it's not like we are all having the time of our lives (although it is not torture of course), and I am not really looking forward to driving home with Mr. A and his two brothers on CD1 (projected). Furthermore, I don't have any food in the house (since I didn't want to stock up before we left), and I will have to make a mad-dash trip to the store once we get home because Mr. A's family is staying with us for the night before heading home on Sunday.

Here are some other things I desperately flung to God last night as I was falling asleep, because I simply cannot deal with this myself!

*After driving 9 hours home on Saturday, we are supposed to drive 1.5 hours (one way) on Sunday afternoon to my cousin's high school graduation open house
*Monday is a deadline day for me at work, so I have to log in on Sunday night to make sure I don't have anything that came in while I was gone that will be due
*Monday is my first Clo.mid day! Have to remind myself to call my doctor to see if he'll give me a prescription for amox.icilin (however you spell it!)
*Next Saturday, we have a wedding in the morning, and then some friends who moved a couple years ago are coming to visit (overnight) with their baby girl. How am I going to handle that on Cl.omid?
*Must try our best to have good timing cd's 10-13 because we leave on cd13 in the RV for Vermont! Please God let me ovulate on cd14!
*Have to board Banana again while we're gone... :(

I can't believe all of this chaos is ahead of us, but all that allowed me to be calm was thinking that God was always going to help us, He is going to help us, and He will always help us in the future. I don't know what form His help will take, but I know that I can't even begin to overcome all of these circumstances just on my own. I pray He will help us, and it will be clear how He is carrying us, but even if things don't work out perfectly or it seems things are even more wacked out, I have given all of this to Him and I know that He will work this all out for good!!

PS. I read ALOT yesterday, and I'm almost done with Anna Karenina! I have loved it! Sure, it's a long book, but Hillary, you're right that the characters are so real and complex! Plus the story is so tightly and intimately wound! It has been a really great read!

Attitude

If you have a bratty attitude at the beach, does that mean you're some kind of awful person? Haha!

I hate to say it, but this place is not worth the 9+ hour drive. The house is okay, but we are about a half mile from the ocean. Half mile, you say, that is nothing- stop your whining! Yes, a straight, unencumbered half mile would be easy as pie (and I promise I wouldn't complain!), but this half mile is filled with murky marshy alligator-prime real estate, not to mention prehistoric-sized mosquitos and biting bugs (they attack us, even after bug spray!), plus very tall protected dunes. Due to the overgrowth, we can't even see the ocean! SO. I have only been to the beach once this week, and have instead been hanging out at the pool....which I could have done in my own backyard without driving 600-something miles..... not to mention, the beach here is very weird...there are no waves! Literally, no crashing surf or anything...it is more like the shore of a lake. Needless to say, we don't vote to come back here next year! I don't think it'd be a good idea to take a 2 month old baby on a huge long road trip, do you? Hahahaha....

Mr. A and I have taken some fun motorcycle rides, though, so that has really been fun. We have also had a nice time hanging out at the pool, and dinners with his family are always hilarious. We have also gotten some good sleep/naps in. I am about halfway through Anna Karenina, and it has been a great read!

I'll try to post some photos, but they're not going to be the breathtaking beach ones I got last year! Oh well- I can show you the pool B-)